Fighting.

I hate fighting with people. Not like physically, (but I really want to punch somebody) but verbally. It always seems like I have to be the bigger person and apologize. Well, not this time. I can't always be the person that started it, and I can't always be the person to end it. I'm sick of being the person that gives in...I'm always the one to break down and tell them "I'm sorry" even though I'm really not. I just do it to get it off my conscience. Is that right? Should I just keep ignoring them to keep from lying? I don't know. I love this person with all my heart. She knows everything about me. I just don't understand how every fight we have is my fault. It can not always be my fault. She is not perfect. I know I am not perfect, but why is it always me that ends it? Is it weakness on my part? This year has been the worst year on record for me. I lost my grandfather April 22 and just two months later, my cousin killed himself. I have never experienced a funeral before this year. Now, I'm practically a pro. :( I have never experienced a suicide either. That is a different kind of pain. I still don't know how I am supposed to cope with that. Anyways...While we were fighting, she had the nerve to threaten suicide. Yeah. I can't believe that I actually heard her say that. How dare she say that after what we have been though. All I think now is that I don't need to get as close to her as I used to be...Maybe it won't hurt as bad if she does it. I just want to slap her face and ask her, "really?!" I'm so pissed at her I can't even see straight. I figured one day our perfect little relationship would change. I didn't think it would be like this though. She is the closest think I have to a friend and it seems she is trying to push me away. I don't know if she said that to hurt me or what, but it worked. It kills me to think about it. I'm almost in tears writing this. I guess she doesn't value our relationship like I do. Hell, she was cruel saying that. She has no idea how bad it hurt. It wouldn't even surprise me for her to read this and say, "you have comma's out of place." Or some kind of smart ass response. I guess that is what king of person she is and I am just now seeing it. I have such love for her and that is how she acts. Am I just stupid? Does my love for her blind me? I don't know where to go from here.